But She's Not There......

But She's Not There......

I was 35 years old when my mother started having health problems. Dale Earnhardt had just won the Daytona 500, I had just lost my last German Shepherd, spring was in the air, and I was seriously thinking about my relationship which left me feeling very misplaced. In the beginning of April, my mother, who worked 3 jobs, started not feeling well, test after test, April was gone, May was getting on, my 36th birthday came and went and the last Friday in May (5/29), my brother called with the news: Leukemia. I knew at that moment she wouldn’t be here for Christmas.

The first week of June she started intensive Chemo treatments – A 7 day drip. Here began the rollercoaster ride, a 6 month long rollercoaster ride. Good days and bad, running on about 4 hours sleep a night. And on the last Friday in October (10/30), the unthinkable happened. The Dr. said “She’s terminal.” Nothing more we could do, remission never came, and now to wait and watch her die. I remember when my brother brought her home from the hospital, I sat with her on the couch, sobbing telling her I would gladly trade places with her. I truly didn’t know how I would ever survive without her. Do you know what she said? “It’s my time, this is the way it was supposed to happen.”

One month later (11/30), I was alone with her in her bedroom and watched her take her last breath.

And now the mind starts playing with me. I’m a numbers and dates person. She passed on St. Andrews Day, a Scottish woman, who did get to visit her beloved Scotland, her visitation at the funeral home was on the day she met my dad on a blind date. And now the firsts start happening.

The first year is the absolute worst! Her first birthday, she would have been 59 years old a couple weeks after. The first Christmas without her, New Years, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, then the anniversary dates, the day she started getting sick, my birthday, the day we found out, the day she moved to my brothers, to be closer to the hospital, and so on until we hit 11/30 again.

Things happen that I’d love to tell her, but she’s not there.

Dial the phone, but she’s not there.

Brought home a new puppy, but she’s not there.

Got engaged, got married, but she’s not there.

Needing someone to talk to, getting divorced, but she’s not there.

Where’s the recipe, but she’s not there.

I can go on and on, it’s been 27 years that she’s been gone. And believe me, time DOES NOT heal all wounds. I learned to cope, learned to live without her. Doing what I do and being who I am, I am blessed, I can and do hold small conversations with her. But it’s not the same, it’ll never be the same. I learned to live without her and hope that I make her proud very day.

Everyone goes through their loss and grieving process differently. Nothing is black & white, do what works for you, take the time and honor the loss. Preserve the memories, and enjoy them. Do what you need to do to get yourself through the rough spots.

I wrote this to let you know that you are not alone. There are people who care for you and who will listen when you need to talk, vent, cry, scream, or just need a hug. Your loved ones don’t want you to get lost in the grief, they want you to process it and come out on the other side of it so you can live the rest of your life shining while they smile upon you.

In Love & Light, Lisa