Starting Over......

Starting Over……

Starting over is not easy, it can be daunting, intimidating, scary as hell, and a down right pain in the ass! Starting anything over. I’m not talking “do over” I’m talking about starting over from scratch. In my case: new life, new job, new state, learning to navigate alone, remembering how to do things for myself. And one of the biggest lessons, accepting help from others.

As I began to navigate through all the “new” I realized there is a lot of “old” that still needed to be taken care of. Old baggage, habits, trauma, just crap that isn’t needed anymore. All of a sudden, I realized didn’t have to tell someone what time I’d be home, ask what they wanted for dinner, rearrange my schedule because of the demands of another. I could sit and relax in silence and put my thoughts in order and go on from there. I think one of the biggest surprises was that I had the remote control in my hand and that I could watch anything on tv that I wanted to without bouncing from channel to channel. And then I found out I don’t even really have time to watch television. I like the silence and don’t need the background chatter.  Although I am enjoying the movies that I’ve always wanted to watch and cross them off my list as I go.

One of the biggest challenges has been to remember who I was before the relationship. It’s going back and finding things that have been stuffed in a closet for oh so many years that were given up, because I needed to fit into someone else’s little box.

I wasn’t lost, I didn’t lose myself, I just stuffed the real me in the closet, or a shoe box, or whatever you use to hide personal things away.

When you’re young you try to be who everyone wants or thinks you should be. Especially in a new relationship, trying to be perfect, who he wants you to be, even if he thinks you should fold everything into a perfect little package to present to the family and friends. Sometimes it’s like trying to fit a square peg into the round hole. And I’m sorry but it just cannot be accomplished without shaving down all 4 of the edges to make this square peg fit. All of the shavings are swept or hidden away to wait until we have come to our senses and realized we liked our squareness and start gluing the shavings back to where they once came from. Not all of them still fit, some of them don’t belong there anymore. Those shavings have been hidden away for, (in my case), 30+ years, I’ve grown, evolved, leveled up, or whatever you want to call it, so those pieces have been replaced with a more wise and better equipped human being. As things change, I started to remember things I enjoyed, and I realized it was a pleasure being back on my own again.

I bought a home, made it my own, decorated it the way I wanted it to be with things that had been packed away for years. I love wood, it has so much character, each piece that has been purchased for this home have been chosen with much intention and care. As things came together I started feeling comfortable, relaxed, and truly at home for the first time in a very long time. It felt good, I enjoy spending time here, not trying to keep busy elsewhere so I didn’t have to be somewhere that I didn’t feel welcome.

That part was easy, now the hard begins; to start working on me. Oh boy, that’s a major task. Where to start? Long walks on the battlefield, meditation, sitting in silence and actually listening to what my heart and mind felt, journaling, asking questions to no one in particular, and then, the answers started filtering in. They started slowly, one at a time, I would connect with someone, who connected me with someone else, and another, and so on, until finally my answers started to make sense, and the connections led to my healing, learning, listening, evolving, and becoming the person who I’m supposed to be. Did I make some mistakes? Oh yes, I did! Trusted some people who I never should have trusted, but it’s all part of lessons learned, forgiving, healing, and moving forward.

Now, I am truly a better person than I was 5 years ago when I started over, I still have more work to do, but I’m better equipped, I have a wonderful circle of like-minded friends and I’ve gained patience and understanding to work through the hills and valleys of this lifetime.

So yes. You can start over. Successfully too I might add. Walking away was the easy part, the hardest part was admitting that you have baggage, trauma, and crap, then to figure out what it is that needs healing, doing the work, but first finding how and who to help you heal. It’s a lot of hard work but I’m here to tell you, you can do it! Be brave, be courageous, you have to do the work, no one can do it for you. It can be done. It takes time, I’m 5 years in and still have work to do, but it’s part of who I am and who I am meant to be.

If you have thoughts of starting over or just starting to heal. Make the decision, commit to yourself, your wellbeing, and your future.

I wish you the best, you have my support.

In Love & Light,

Lisa