Shutting Down...... Part II/Beginning to Open.

Shutting Down Part II

The next day I called my Dr. and got help.

There were a lot of hoops to jump through, my PCP, thank goodness, understood and pointed me in the right direction, except the insurance co., with whom I fought with almost every step of the way, required me to go to see a psychiatrist first. All she did was use me as a guinea pig with medications that made me hallucinate, feel dizzy, get sick, and then not be able to function. This was on top of the depression meds in the morning, anxiety meds during the day, and sleeping pills at night. And on top of all that she actually told me that I was crazy. Thanks a lot, to our health system and one particular psychiatrist, which personally I have no use for. After that whole mess and a few arguments with the insurance co. including the threat of a malpractice lawsuit, they allowed me to see a social worker who was worth 10 times her weight in gold. She understood! EVERYTHING! Including the voices. She was very intuitive, loved animals, and was one of the nicest souls that I have ever met. She totally saved me: from the system, from the confusion, from myself. I forever owe her a debt of the highest gratitude for that time in my life. She has helped me become the person that I am this very day.

For a while I stayed on the depression meds & the sleeping pills until I was able to ween myself off. The internet was no where near as useful as it is today as far as research goes, but I was able to find a man who had been through, kind of, the same thing, with the same depression meds, and had a “recipe” to get off them slowly, so there wouldn’t be a severe drop and I wouldn’t fall on my face or get sick in the process. It worked! I was finally depression meds and sleeping pills free.

Onward and Upward.

Still stifling the voices……

Once I was med free, it was game on again. The knowing was back on track and had the tendency to just spill words out of my mouth, sometimes unfiltered, which could get me in trouble. It wasn’t bad, I just had to learn to, kind of, talk on a two second delay so I could think before the words actually left my mouth. Especially when I was with unfamiliar company. As time went by things seem to get back to what I thought was normal, except, I was realizing most people made me feel like crap, buildings had personality’s, (not all good), and I’d much rather stay home with my dog. At the time I didn’t have any idea empaths even existed, just that I couldn’t understand why if felt so “not myself”.

Mom was still chatting in my ear, which seemed to help, I didn’t feel so alone. Once I was finished with therapy, I lost the only person who I could talk to openly. Back to hiding and sheltering myself once again. I hadn’t found like-minded people yet. It wasn’t easy working full time, and feeling like I couldn’t talk to anyone for fear of being called or labeled crazy. Central NY is not as spiritually open minded as other areas and I was right in the middle of it, which included my own household.

In the mean time we bought property, a little over 5 acres and the hope for having my own horse was coming true. We were clearing, planning, and all the things that come with my husband’s dreams of building his own home. While he was busy with all that, I was left on my own, which can be a dangerous thing. I bumped into a high school classmate of mine one evening who told me her horses were boarded at a local farm and to come visit sometime. I didn’t realize at that time, I was opening a new and wonderful chapter of my life when I went for that first visit and loved the barn; the owners were very nice and I signed up for riding lessons. My first lesson was on a beautiful mare named Jazz. It was a wonderful 90 minutes and I fell in love with those soulful, deep, brown eyes. The connection was there, I had met an old friend, a connection so deep, I held my breath so long, a knowing we had been together, in the past, too many times to count, so many adventures with many more to come. I went home feeling like I was on top of the world, so happy, so content.

The next day my world shattered……

The call came…… My dad died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital in West Virginia where he’d been living for the past 5-7 years. I was totally numb, now what? Fall back into that deep depression? He was my best friend, his love of raptors, guns, and rainbows, old cars, and any time when I was with him, a possibility of a Sun Dog would pop into view. The next few weeks were unfeeling, a trip to WV to pick up ashes with his widow, and a few of his things that would fit in my Trail Blazer, (his acoustic guitar, for one), but not enough room for everything, I was just numb and feeling like a zombie. Although not so numb that I didn’t feel him with me, smell his aftershave, and hear his voice in my ear when I was sobbing alone at night. WHY? I never got to say goodbye, never told you I loved you that one last time, and no more hugs. Oh, dear Lord please keep my head above water, I feel like I’m drowning again. Still working, but going home to no one, because we had property that needed work.

Riding Lessons! And New friends, not necessarily Spirit-minded, but horse-minded! I took as many riding lessons as I could, as long as Jazz was available. One Saturday morning I was taking a lesson and the barn owner told me that someone was coming to look at Jazz, I didn’t realize she was for sale! I told her to cancel that appointment, she’s not for sale. I guess I just bought my first horse. She held my head up from drowning, she’s the only one who could at that time. I went to the barn every day, no matter what the weather was, how cold, how hot; Every. Single. Day.  She kept me going, gave me a reason to get out of bed every day, kept me occupied, gave me unconditional love, and even protected me from scary things that only she saw; like open box trucks, they held dragons inside that eat horses!

The ladies at the barn were great, Pat, Cissy & Alyssa, Tina, Meegan, Kristen, Dottie, just to name a few. Pat and I hit the road quite often, going to as many tack shops as we could just for the fun of it. It was her love of Gettysburg that peeked my interest. She kept saying “You gotta go!”

And through all this, I had my moments, but I stayed above water and never needed depression meds. I had the love of a wonderful 1100 lb. horse. The communication with her and the other horses was amazing; I knew when they were off, when they hurt, their fears, and so on. I still didn’t say or talk about that with the girls at the barn, still keeping that part of me hidden. The horses were teaching me more about energy than I had ever realized or had known what to call it.

A couple of years went by, the house was coming together, the shell of the horse barn was built, pole barn was up and functional, fencing up, pastures ready, and finally the inside of the barn took shape. My girls, Jazz and Flame, were coming home on a Saturday in October, we moved the following week. I was in that barn at least 4 times a day, loving each and every minute of it. My sanctuary, my sanity, my escape from a cruel world that I didn’t care to be out in. I kept picking up on people’s feelings and I felt like I couldn’t escape any of it.

Then along came Reiki. A small crystal shop opened downtown and I started spending time there, learning about crystals, energy, and started opening up more and more to myself and being honest with myself. There are NO coincidences, STOP hesitating, and do and say what you are meant to. Wow, that felt good!

Sanctuary & Piper:

One cold damp Saturday morning I went to an open house at a horse sanctuary, they were giving tours of the barns etc. As we were all standing next to fence a beautiful small bay mare named Piper walked up, snorted at me, and proceeded to turn her body around, back into the fence, right where I was standing, I reached out and put my hand at the base of her tail and closed my eyes, COLORS behind my eyelids, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, purple, each color became bright and then faded into the next. Holy Cow, I just balanced her chakras and didn’t know I was able to do this! It was awesome! This made me realize the colors I was seeing in the past actually meant something. She stood very relaxed while this was happening, when it was completed she stepped away, bucked a little, and trotted off into the field. She seemed to know exactly what she was doing and where she could get it from.  I am always amazed how the Universe teaches, just listen and trust.

Coming out of the Spiritual closet.

My friend Pat was a wonderful soul, she was a great horse woman, and a cherished friend. She and her husband would make the 5-hour trip to Gettysburg at least once a year. Every time she came home she’d tell me about the battlefield, how it felt, the mounted tours, and the restaurants. In spring of 2015 she wasn’t feeling well, we talked, I’d visit her at the boarding stable, I knew she wasn’t telling me everything and I honored her decision. Finally, in September 2015, I made my way to Gettysburg, when I arrived home, Pat and I talked about my trip, we talked about going together; a girls’ weekend! She passed that November – 10 years ago. I feel her out on the battlefield with me at times, she warms my heart and makes me smile.

The first trip to Gettysburg was amazing, I couldn’t get it out of my mind, there was such a strong pull to this area. When I returned home, someone that I had met there, asked me to come to her wedding the next month. After some finagling, I was able to return that October for the upcoming nuptials. Her parents owned one of the mounted tour companies and Saturday morning, I was able to spend time in the pastures with the many horses that were there. The hidden soul, the person that was hiding for so long, keeping the voices at bay, ignoring them, blocking them out, all of a sudden was front and center. Something happened that weekend, something magical and amazing and now there was no turning back.

There is something about finding the place that satisfies the soul. It doesn’t go away, doesn’t just stop, there is a gentle pull, then a tug, then an all-out need to be where you are meant to be.

5 years and 2 months after my 1^st visit to Gettysburg, I moved to PA, 4 months later I bought my home here. I enjoy it, my pup, and my work. The only regret I have is not doing it sooner. But it’s all in divine timing. I arrived exactly where and when I was supposed to.

Now the little girl who didn’t have anyone to talk to and had nowhere to turn, is in fact, here for others, the ones who feel they don’t have anyone to talk to, for fear that they’ll have a label, or that someone will call them crazy, or that their parents, friends, or teachers will turn away from them.

Every single thing that happens to you in your lifetime is a blessing and a lesson. Sometimes you are the student and sometimes you are the teacher. You must go through the dark to get to the light. Part of this is so you can relate to what someone else is going through. Now I understand why I shut everything down when I was so very young; it was a very hard lesson, but now I am here to help others understand the feelings, what is heard, and, in a way, what to do with all of this as well.

You just need to ask the Universe and they will lead you in the right direction, at the right time.

Believe, Have Faith, and Trust. And please remember: Dreams do come true.

In Love & Light,

Lisa